A New-York-city white-collar married couple suddenly lost their job because of economic crisis and computing trend. The husband’s mother had cancer and hey decided to move to Midwestern. Problems occurs from this time and the wife disappeared just before the 5th wedding anniversary.
Gone Girl and perception on shared life
Gone Girl story is told by two interleaving flows: viewpoints of the wife – Amy, and the husband – Nick.
This book discloses different aspect of the story after each part. There are 3 of them.
Naturally and generally: Human are different
There are differences among every people in the world, and these differences are wider between woman and man. Woman need attention and care, man need respect and admiration. Care from other people is very important to women, while some men think this is small and they do not pay enough attention. Some actions that man think small are very important to woman. This is a big problem in every serious relationship.
Concerns of this person might or might not be other person’s concerns. Priority in life, set of values are different also. So never judge other people’s values and concerns based on yours. Human is diverge and unique in general. Differences are natural.
But talking is always easy, and reality is hard to accomplish, especially with who you care: your lover, your husband, wife or children – who you want to be better at every aspect of their living. And inappropriate judging and expectations are where problems come from.
Problem solving approach
The way of solving a problem is more important than the problem itself.
Some people choose to temporary hide their personal though for common sense in living, for saving relationships. They believe that talking about disagreements later on would be better than saying it immediately. The urgent task is calming both down.
Other people apply principles on their family life, after discussion for agreement from their partner. But life change from time to time, and it’s forceful to persist these principles. Multiple times in daily life, somebody will feel uncomfortable to follow, but because of the agreement, they are forced to not telling. This is bad. Trying to understand and being sympathy would be better. But better is always more difficult. And hard work pays off. The question is: How hard you can try? How difficult you can overcome?
Both people need their own professional life and independence on career path to help their relationship better. Dependence on whatever is not good. Economically or mentally depends on your partner is even worse. Love is more consistent between two confident and successful people.
Be best at job, then compromising or choosing between job and personal life are not needed. Hold control of business as much as possible is the key for family happiness. However, choosing is necessary sometimes, but nothing beside you can force you, that is totally a personal choice. So work hard and minimize unwelcome effects of business to personal life. If you are not good at work, your career would affect your personal life, or even destroy it.
This comes to a dilemma: If I try hard, invest more time at work and studying to be best and independent, how can I pay enough time to maintain a relationship? How to balance? How to keep career not in turn destroy personal life? These are good questions.
Changing personality to satisfy partner’s need is not good. But what if each personality is not fitted with the other? How can you two do? Accept or change? Good questions.
If you become another person who is not actually you – a person with different characteristic, a person with personalities that you partner expect but not who you truly are – then at a specific time in the future, you will return back to who you naturally are, who you were before. This time surely will come. This is when problems begin. You partner might be not love you anymore.
Be yourself, whatever, always, even if your partner doesn’t like. Don’t become who else because other person want you to do so. Never permit your lover to love somebody who is not actually you. He/she will not love you, in the future, if you do so.
But if you realize something is not good, change it. Remember that change must come from you, not anyone else. Everything come from inside out is more persistent than outside in.
There are standards of each person, many of them are basic: which was built when people grew up, sensed and felt when they were a child and enforced when they went to school; which were taught by their parents and relatives. These standards are very hard to change, because they defines who people basically are, and differentiate each person among the others.
That’s why people usually should live their life together with common basic standards. This is also told by parents to their children as a criteria for choosing partners. And why it is good to have a partner with similar childhood and development environment.
That is hurt, but that is also reality. And sometimes reality wins.
This part, as my opinion, is just closing of what was opened in the first 2 parts.
This book gave me many knowledge about woman and man and how they live their life together. A open-minded book.